Not going to post this to FB, too many friends and family see it there. But I’m struggling to hold myself together. Some days are great, I think I’m recovered and life is good, other days I’m just in such a deep dark funk and I don’t know if I’ll ever get out.

2021 was the worst, most stressful, most sad, etc. year of my life. I don’t know how I managed to hold together but I somehow did. I think I shoved everything to the back and focused on what needed to get done. And we got it done. But now it’s later and it seems all that crap I pushed aside is now coming back to haunt me, a lot. It’s stupid, my logic side tells me I got through it, I’m done, I survived and things should be better now. But now when even the slightest bump in the road of life occurs, I lose it. I over-react, I get way more stress about it than I should. It’s like I’ve lost my ability to cope with the little things in life. The littlest things set me off, deep emotional reactions either to the angry side or the depressed side. I can’t seem to keep my emotions in check.

Then life gets smooth again for a few weeks and I’m feeling fine, and then a bump, and I’m going off the deep end again. It’s so frustrating. But I’ve tried legal doctor-prescribed anti-anxiety meds (something I swore I’d never take), talking to a therapist (something I never wanted to do), I’ve tried relaxation therapy (like a float spa, which seems silly but at this point I’ll try anything), none of it seems to work. One little thing doesn’t go my way, one little thing that seems to upset the smooth road ahead and I’m spiraling. I’m still taking the anti-anxiety meds and seeing a therapist and I’ll try the float-spa thing (which I call the sensory deprivation tank), etc. but I’m now thinking of taking more “drastic” measures to try and fix this stupid brain of mine.

Don’t worry (if you are worried), it’s technically legal, and I’m not going to harm myself. I’ve got enough of my mental faculties in-tact to not do anything too drastic. But I’ve got to do something or I’m going to lose it. I’m barely holding on.

I really really really want “regression to the mean” but I can’t seem to get there.

With all the bad and stress that happened in 2021, I’m due some very low stress good moments but so far it hasn’t happened. 2022 and 2023 (so far) have been a little less stressful, but it’s still higher than the average, and it’s not coming down. In fact, it hits little bumps now and then that push it higher (not as bad as 2021). I can’t handle it anymore. I know I’m a whiny little b and my past self would smack the living cr*p out of me for my mental state right now, but I can’t help it. I need to free myself from this stress and anxiety and be who I’m meant to be, not this crap version of myself that stands here today.

Filed under: Personal - @ 2023-04-11 3:55 pm