I think the problem with my latest bout of depression is that there isn’t a very good reason for it. No big event or issue, no “smoking gun” so to speak as the cause. So when people close to me find out I’m depressed, I love them and appreciate them and such, but they always ask why. What’s got me depressed, and in some cases try to find something they can help with to try and take it off my plate or mind. They’re looking for a cause and looking to solve it. I know that feeling, that mentality, because it’s exactly what I’d try to do if I found out somebody I cared for was depressed.

But if I knew what was causing this I’d also try to solve it. But I DON’T know what is causing this, so there’s this unexplained problem before me, causing me to be down and depressed and just so damned exhausted all the time and having lost interest in anything I used to find fun and enjoyable, I just don’t want to do anything anymore other than lay in bed and be left alone, and I have no idea why. Very frustrating. And I am very grateful to have friends and family that care about me and want to help me but it’s hard to let them help me because I myself don’t know what I need or why I am the way I am. Frustrating.

I can pretend to be ok, for short periods of time I can act normal or go off and do some activities. From the outside it seems like I’m OK, I’ve gotten over it, etc. Sometimes I’ve pretended so well or gotten so busy with some activity I’m somewhat obligated to do or attend or whatever, that even for a small time I myself forget. It’s nice to act normal for a while sometimes, and to forget. I wish it would stay forgotten, that I truly had gotten over it, but it comes back. When things slow down, when things return to “normal”, so does my deep dark funk and my tiredness and loss of interest in things.

If I had to guess on what’s got me in this state, I’d say it is loss of stamina at life’s little bumps in the road. 2021 was a very very rough year for me, it was one stressful thing after one very bad thing after extreme stressful thing after stressful things after another. But maybe I got through it because I had no choice and there was no time to stop and think about it, I had no choice but to continue moving forward, to take on the herculean tasks every day until I finally got through it. But no time to think or recover or reflect, just non stop work. 2022 was supposed to be the year of recovery and just trying to enjoy the fruits of all that madness and work, but no such luck. It’s like when your body shakes from nerves afterwards, after going through a big ordeal. It messed me up but then things still didn’t quite settle down either. Not as bad as 2021 but still couldn’t find peace and tranquility, still had to deal with stuff. Now 2023 comes along and now there’s some task that’s causing great upheaval in my life and while I’d normally be able to handle this, I’ve handled far far worse in 2021, I just.. Can’t. I’m exhausted, I’m burned out, death by a thousand paper cuts. It’s not like the tasks before me are insanely tough, but I, just don’t want to do it anymore.

There’s occasional bumps in the road of life. 2021 I hit the biggest pothole, the most insane bump ever and somehow got through it. 2022 I hit a bunch of little bumps but I got through it. 2023 started off slightly bumpy and I finally got tired of it and sought professional help before my wheels fell off. And then I’m now hitting a decent sized pothole, not like 2021 but still another good bump and while I’d normally be able to handle such a bump in the road of life, I just don’t want to. I’m exhausted. I’m tired. I’m burned out, barely holding it together. And so I’m depressed. Lost all interest in things, just… Whatever. I’ll get through this, I don’t really have a choice, just gotta keep rolling, at least until I can’t anymore.

Is it weird that the thought of checking myself in to a mental hospital sounds peaceful and comforting. That being committed sounds like a nice peaceful break from the stress of my day to day life. Just waking up, getting breakfast, talking to therapists, group meetings, lunch, more group therapy, more therapists, free time, dinner, free time and bed. Rinse and repeat day after day after day. A nice set schedule with everything arranged and all I need to do is slip into the mundane of it all. But that’s not solving my problems, that’s just temporarily escaping them. But man does that sound ever so peaceful.

Filed under: Personal - @ 2023-07-31 3:22 am