From I don’t know to I don’t care

Well, I’ve moved on from “I don’t know” to “I don’t care”. Not in a mean way though.

I don’t know what’s going on
I don’t know how to fix this
I don’t know how to solve this
I don’t know what I’m doing
I don’t know how to get out of this
I don’t know …
I don’t know …

Story of my life, the “I Don’t know’s”. But now I’ve become so emotionally distressed, so empathy overloaded, so emotionally overwhelmed that I’ve completely shut down. I’m in a deep depression here, but don’t worry, I’m doing everything I can think of to try and fix this. I’m talking to therapists, taking medication, trying homeopathic “medications”, I’ve tried questionably, but now, legal items, I’ve tried float therapy, etc. I’m still trying, I’m not giving up, I don’t know how to solve these issues and how to fix my head but I will keep trying everything and anything until something sticks. But I’ve moved on to a deep depression and there’s some comfort in it, being comfortably numb. I don’t experience the “highs” of life anymore, I don’t get happy or excited or whatnot, I also stopped experiencing joy in things I used to enjoy, I don’t watch tv or play games or participate in … other … activities, I have no desire to, no interest, it doesn’t do anything for me, all I want to do is work and sleep. But on the other side of the coin is I don’t feel upset or angry or frustrated or any of those other methods when things don’t go my way, I don’t even have a way anymore, I don’t care what happens or what life throws at me or what problems come up, etc. I just don’t have any emotional investment or interest in any of it anymore, but that in of itself is freeing. I’m tired of getting upset, of getting anxious, of feeling frustrated, I’m tired of trying to steer the ship that is my life and hoping and praying I’m going the right direction, I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t know where I’m going, I tried my best to steer it in the direction I think it should be going, but I’m letting go of the wheel now. I’m drifting in whatever direction it goes, I’m so tired of fighting, so drained, that I’m going to let life take me wherever it takes me.

I wish I could feel relief in not having to “steer” things anymore, of having just let go of the wheel, I wish I could feel a sense of happyness and restfulness, there should be something, some feeling, but nada. I’m so neutral right now in my emotions and feelings, but at least I don’t feel the negative stuff anymore.

I know things will change, my current life’s motto is “just keep swimming” and/or maybe “If you’re going through hell, keep going”. So yeah, I’m going through hell but I’m still going, I’m taking it day by day, pretending to be fine. Maybe if I pretend long enough I’ll actually be fine. Logically I suspect that things will eventually change, eventually settle down, and maybe I’ll eventually start having feelings and emotions once again and start pulling myself out of this deep depression. Or maybe I’ll be spending quite a lot of time in this state, it is what it is, I don’t care. I should care, but I don’t. I don’t know what I’m doing and now I don’t care. Freedom.

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